My Satruday Tea

One boiled kettle of water

Plus one pretty tea cup

Plus my favorite tea

Plus one scottish shortbread cookie

Equals one perfect tea.

Verse

Who is like You among the gods, O LORD?

Who is like you, majestic in holiness?

Awesome in praises, working wonders?

Exodus 15:11

Year End Assignment

I thought that God taught me so much this year, how to live and walk in him. But what I saw was only a small part of the big picture. I got caught up in so many helpful hints and “practical” applications to my life in classes this year and I began to write these down to incorporate in this assignment. But like I said those things were only a small piece of a much bigger picture. The bigger picture turned out to be God. The whole purpose of this year is Christ. He is life, and growing in my knowledge and love of him was the purpose of my year. God is what matters, God is what is important and if I have not grown in my knowledge of Him, then this year will have no meaning. After I realized this theme in my year and started to write this introduction I went back to a verse that I wrote down as an aspiration for my school year and had for gotten about. Ephesians 1:17 says “That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him.” That was the point of this year and that is what God has accomplished.
As I learn of God and follow Him, everything else I do will be an out pouring of that. He is the one that loves, works, provides, and cares. He is the beginning and the end. A phrase that has often stands out to me from the Old Testament is “you will know the Lord” (Exodus 6:7, Hosea 2:20). There is no doubt in it. It is always said in confidence; God does everything he does so that we will know him (John 17). God has revealed Himself to me in some very specific roles this year. As my Master, my Provider, my Friend, the Worker, my comfort.
He is the only way that I can live this life I have chosen. I must follow Him and fix my eyes on him. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Love and Work
God is Love and His work is love.
One of the challenges I have had this year is loving people. In our first week here we were given this challenge. We were told to love one another even in situations where it seemed impossible and I have to admit that I haven’t been very good at it. We are told in Ephesians that all who are in Christ are one body and that we are being built and fitted together, but that if we war against each other we are destroying the body, instead we are called to maintain peace and love with our brothers and sisters and to encourage and build up the body. We all are called to Christ and if we do not function together in Christ then we cannot function at all.
In every group I was in this was a challenge, but in different ways. In my room it was a challenge because none of my roommates seemed to have anything in common. So the challenge was how to get them to bond without forcing it. In my Study Project group it was knowing how to both push people to do better and still be encouraging. In my Home group it meant letting other people speak and discuss, rather than just jumping in and saying what I thought. What it came down to was that in myself couldn’t love people. Love meant being humble, apologizing, and encouraging others, all of which was God’s work through me, not me making myself do these things. I still try so hard to do things myself, and it never works. And this is what I have come to realize more and more. I can’t do the work only Christ can.
One of the first times I called home I talked to my mom about my roommates saying that I didn’t know what to do to get them to bond. My mother’s response was to remind me “God brought you all together and He knows why and He has a plan, they are not your responsibility, Vanessa, they’re God’s.” Only God can do the work that needs to be done in each person’s life and to think that I can step in and try to come up with my own plan is ridiculous and sinful.
I can be assured that God is working in the lives each of my roommates and each of the people in my Home Group. It is not my place to step in and take control and it is not my place to show them God’s love in my own initiative. Whoever does the work is also responsible for the work. Whoever is raising a child is also responsible for that child. (Eph 2:19). God both does the work and is responsible for it. When I do the working and the loving I become responsible for it and it is not very good. I often have the attitude that if I don’t do something, it won’t get done right. It’s a terrible attitude to have, but that is honestly how I felt about some things. And throughout this year, in many ways, God has been showing me that a good leader gives power to others and that works perfectly in His kingdom because He is the power behind all the work. If God is the origin, then I should not be afraid to let others lead and work, because He empowers each person. We were meant to live in total surrender to God, so that he can work in us and through us. Him dwelling in us means that I don’t need to worry about giving power to others because the power is not of myself but of God.
I soon realized how important this principle was in my first duty and in workday. My first duty was dish drying after breakfast. For the first few days people would ask me where something went and instead of telling them I told them I would put it way, I realized after a few days that that was not the best way. By showing the other dish dryers where things went and letting them put things away, they learned and we worked more efficiently. Going back to that attitude that I had of if “I don’t do it, it wouldn’t get done right”, God taught me through workday how prideful that is. I learned that by explaining how things should be done so that they wouldn’t have to be redone and giving each girl a task that they learn and want to do well. But if I never gave them the chance to work then they would never get better at it. It is the same in God’s kingdom, if we don’t allow others to work we won’t work efficiently and no one will learn. I don’t have to worry about the work because I am not responsible for it.
This is vitally important because only Jesus can fix everything that is so desperately wrong in this world. I cannot go into the world thinking that I’ve got it right and I’m going to show everyone how it is done. Only Jesus can love this world and work to fix it. I saw this so clearly on our Seattle field trip. It was so obvious that the world could not satisfy itself, people searching for peace, love, experience, and satisfaction. But they reach and reach and can only take hold of a small part of that which could be poured out onto them through Christ. Not only does the world need Jesus, but I have come to realize more and more how much I need Jesus.
When I look back on the year and see the changes in me, the only explanation is that God did it. I’ve learned through a number of years of trying to do my best for Jesus that I have no power to change myself (Eph. 2:8-10). But God does have that power and he does a thorough job. Exodus 23:29-30 says “I will drive them out before you little by little, until you become fruitful and take possession of the land”. This showed me the way that God is working in my life, He does it and it doesn’t happen overnight, but little by little He gives us the land.

Obedience
God is love and his work is love and his work is accomplished through obedience. (Mark 4)
Throughout the school year Jesus has been teaching me obedience. It has been a hard struggle for me because a lot of the time I don’t want to do what God asks me to. Most often that is because what he wants me to do makes me vulnerable. It is a sense of self preservation that keeps me from obeying God, which is basically a euphemism for pride. Pride is the biggest struggle of my Christian walk and a huge hindrance to obeying God. But through this God has shown me that He is my master and that He only does what is best for me. In obedience to my master there is such a wonderful sense of approval (Hudson Taylor, pg. 16). I know that God loves me and always will, but in those moments when he asks me to obey and I do, even though I don’t want to, He blesses me. Luke 6:46 says “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord’ and do not do what I say?” This verse convicted me because when I pray I often say Lord, and God asked me in this verse why I call him that if I do not obey Him. This continues to be a struggle for me, but God is a patient Master and Teacher and has proved Himself faithful to me in the way he has provided for me and comforted me this year. Obedience is so very important because it causes us to always depend on God, if we learn to obey God in everything we won’t have the problems of depending on ourselves or others or try to be good enough. I continue to try to be good in and of myself, but something God also continues to do is to remind me that there is no good in me. One time during the school year one of my roommates was sharing with me what God had been working on in her life and she said something about remembering what a terrible person she was, when she said that it hit me at the core, there are times when we start to think that we have it all together and we don’t realize we feel this way until God steps in. It is a frightening realization because when I think I’m doing a good job, then I know that I am not depending on God. And that always means trouble.

I have started to notice a pattern in my life of sin and doubt. When I sin, the next step is always, without exception, doubt. Then I realized that sin is anything that is done outside direct obedience to God. A slave obeys their master, if they think they know better than Him, they doubt Him. So the pattern is doubt, temptation sin, doubt. For instance, I may not even realize that I am doubting God, but when I sin by making my own plans and am not in submission to his plans, I have temptations to commit more (not being thankful, complaining, gossiping, etc.) when I give in to those temptations, I feel the tediousness of life without God, then I doubt His presence or His love because I don’t see it or feel it, but the reality is that it is still there, I have just walked away from it. Walking in obedience to Christ brings peace and satisfaction, even in the midst of trial.

Provision and Trials

God is love, his work is love, his work is accomplished through obedience, and obedience requires trust. God has proved Himself trustworthy to me this year in two roles; as my Comforter and Provider.
Towards the beginning of the school year I discovered a curiosity with the idea of desiring trials as seen in Hudson Taylor’s life (pg. 36). He wanted trials because they resulted in strengthened faith; I wrote in my personal journal that I was in awe of a desire like that and also saw just an inkling of that desire in my life. I wanted trials for the same reason, but at the same time I wanted to avoid trial at all costs. As the year went on Jesus began to show me the good in trials and the need for them. Like an athlete in training is a Christian, we are called to “run with endurance the race set before us” (Heb 12:1). The trials I go through now are my best training ground for the rest of my life, they build up faith like muscle through every trial my faith grows stronger.
Continuing into the year Jesus then started to reveal to me what a privilege it was to suffer for Him (Log, Sept. 28th). I was able to see how the trials in others lives had given them such an incredible knowledge of God and a love for him that was both freeing and captivating. Freeing in the ability to function more perfectly and captivating in that they were completely engaged in His love.
When I look back now it is amazing to see how God was preparing me and giving me verses and words that would encourage me later when I was in the middle of a trial. Towards the end of January I felt God giving me the choice to enter a certain trial; the trial was to depend on Him for money.
The prospect of what this meant practically for me completely terrified me. But I knew that if I didn’t learn to depend on God for money now I never would. That week all through classes I felt God asking me to make a decision in a way that reminds me of the Israelites conquering the land. It was like God was saying “Are you ready to enter in to the next part of the land? Are you ready to experience more of my rest?” So, trembling in my shoes and yet completely exhilarated I said yes. I called my parents and asked them to stop giving me money. I told them this verse that God gave me Hebrews 13:5-6 “Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have for he himself has said ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you’, so that we confidently say “the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid, what will man do to me?” The comfort that I found in this was that God wanted me to depend on Him for money, remembering that he would never forsake me, so that in faith I could rely on Him in confidence. He would provide, and though I was scared I also wanted to throw myself into His arms and let Him catch me. My Dad said that God would probably change my idea of needs and I was sure he would, but I reminded my dad that if I called him needing money he would readily give me what I needed, and God was no less compassionate than Him. I knew that that was true and so did my parents.
The next few weeks were quite the test for me, I remember almost hyperventilating out of fear at one point, but God was always there providing for me. He told me to walk with confidence, He reminded me that He was there and He would provide. I continued to ask Him to provide actual cash in my mailbox, knowing that he wouldn’t until I stopped looking for it. The week before I went home for spring break I was praying that he would provide cash, some American and some Canadian so that I could eat while travelling home. When I was least concerned about it, an envelope appeared in my box with $20 Canadian and $15 American. I also asked God to help give me or provide through my job at least $60, so that I could repay a few people. When I arrived home my Uncle had visited and gone, but left a letter for me and in it was $60. God is my provider. I continue to want to take over that role, but I have learned that it doesn’t work. I don’t fit the part and I was never meant to (Exodus 16:26)
What I did not expect from this time was the terrible doubt that accompanied this dependence. I felt at times totally bereft and vulnerable. It even came to the point that I felt depressed for a couple of weeks and just couldn`t cheer myself up, but God once again proved His provision and perfect planning in giving me a friend that had been through all of this and would help me, she gave me the only advice that helped. She said “let yourself feel how you feel, but don’t let yourself believe the lies”. This is a principle I learned last year in another context, when you don’t know what to believe hold on to the truths God has given you. For me it’s usually “He is here, he does love me, his mercies are new every morning, his grace is sufficient, and his loving-kindness is everlasting...” I knew who my God was and I am coming to know Him more fully every day. This year it became much harder to hold on to the truth, but a verse God gave me at the beginning of the year came back to me like a life preserver. Eph. 6:16 says “In addition to all taking up the shield of faith, with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” To remember that faith is a shield, in the middle of the battle to pick up our faith and hold it in front of us, so that it will catch all the lies and we will remain safe in the truth. I would never trade the hard time I had because through it I can see the good that will come of it and I desperately want the finished product.
Going back to Hebrews 12:1, it continues “Fixing our eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of our faith.” Through this year my focus was on pushing myself in my own strength, but God has taught me and is still teaching me to fix my eyes on him and endurance will come. If I try to run the race without looking to him ALWAYS, then I will certainly fail.

End

Ephesians 1:17-19a
“That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him.I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of his calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Energy

I was just sitting around my house today with no motivation to do anything when two neighborhood kids stopped by. There are several kids that like to come over and hang out and talk with my mom, unfortunately my mom isn't here. However, I invited my guests in for some coloring. It wasn't long before they had to go, but it was great fun and as they left saying that their Grandma had sent them off for a walk to burn off their energy, I felt so happy and energized myself from their visit that I had to write about it. i invited them back tomorrow for cookies. I hope they come.

You will know the Lord

Meditating on Hosea 2:19-20
"and I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. Iwill betroth you to me in faithfulness, then you will know the Lord